April 4, 2010
Dear people on earth,
God here. I’ve been sitting up here playing poker with the boys all the while glancing down once in awhile watching you people squabble about whether I exist and what to believe about me if you do believe I exist. So I decided to write a letter to clear things up.
To begin with, I exist. This letter was written by me. I did not write the bible. And contrary to popular belief, I did not kill myself so that those who believe can spend eternity with me. I have no idea why those morons came up with that story. I can only guess that a bunch of rich people got together and asked what they might do to keep the poor people happy being poor. So they wrote a bunch of nonsense that would mess up anyone’s mind and then said I wrote it so people would buy it. Furthermore, you probably don’t really want to spend eternity with me. I smoke cigars, fart a lot, and the wine up here really sucks.
I’m not the horrible monster that the Old Testament paints me out to be. But I’m not all that great either. I know many of you have asked where I was when Hitler killed 6 million Jews. I’m really sorry but the truth is, I was on a vacation in the Bahamas. Yes, it was one of the best vacations I’ve ever had. Truth is, I sit up here watching sports on ESPN (cable service up here is fantastic) and every once in awhile I answer a prayer. If you’re really lucky I might even perform a miracle but a snowball has a better chance of not melting in hell. By the way, hell is a concept some men invented to really mess with people’s minds. It doesn’t really exist.
So whenever you see someone praying to flying pink elephants in order to defy gravity, please realize that what you believe about me is just as ridiculous. I’m happy I could clear some things up. If you have any more questions and I’m sure you do, please do not hesitate to call me at 1-800-CALL-GOD. Operators are standing by and they will be happy to take your money.
Sincerely,
God
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